Pesky Critters

I received a call from Tiona yesterday and she was absolutely distraught. As a good husband always does, I asked her what was wrong. With this little voice--full of terror--she said, "I found a spider in my car!" So I asked her what she did, and she said, "I tried to kill it, but it ran under my chair." After a long pause, I finally asked her if she was able to drive. Her reply was very meek and full of embarassment, "You wouldn't believe how hard it is to drive without putting your feet on the floor." After a few moments of thought, she added, "But it is giving me a great calf workout." She was so worried about having a mad spider below her chair that I finally had to convince her that since a spider's brain is so small it would have a very short memory. I convinced her that the spider had forgotten all about her previous attempt on its life and that she was now safe. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I made that up... Luckily, she got home safely without any spider bites.

This morning she had fully recovered from her agonizing, automobilic, arachnoid adventure. She reported that she had no nightmares of the experience. However, while I was enjoying a magnificient, mouth watering bowl of cereal I hear a scream that made my blood run cold. As I go running into the bathroom, fearing I would find my beautiful wife lying on the floor in a pool of blood, I spot her with eyes fixed on the wall in our bedroom. There, on the wall, peacefully sat an enormous, 28 legged monstrous sight. Shedding all fear, leaving all rational thought behind, I charged to the rescue of my helpless wife. She stood there transfixed, helpless, and frozen with fear. I knew that I could not wrestle the 28 legs without a plan, so I sought the only weapon available: Raid. The glorious bug spray caused my wife's worst nightmare to writhe in pain and agony before falling to the floor. Within seconds, the running bug slowed and curled into a ball. My wife, with a newfound strength, ran into my outstretched arms and breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you," she said, "You truly are the best husband ever." Holding the priceless beauty in my arms I felt time stop. I secretly made a vow that I would never let my dear wife experience such fear again.